| Question(s) #4 |
[Apr. 22nd, 2004|05:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
A series of questions from a certain Kryptonian imbecile:
Why do people not like Canada so much?
Why does the taste of something 'waxy' make me want to vomit?
Is it possible to sweat because you've eaten something very sweet?
First, alien, this is a venue for me to give direction to underlings, not to waste my time answering your bizarre trivia. Go fly into the sun and attempt to ignite your flatulence, or whatever it is you do for amusement in that silly cape.
However, because you've given me another opportunity to hold you up for public ridicule, I will entertain your questions, such as they are.
1) I do not hate Canada. As to why people do what they do, it is largely herd instinct. I believe in large part that the herd hates Canada because they associate it with France, and hate the French. I rather like France, particularly their lack of an extradition treaty with the United States. The one thing which I despise about Canada is their social and medical welfare system. The poor aren't good consumers. I think we all wish that the weak and the sick among us would die off once and for all, but your pathetic 'socialized medicine' keeps them all alive. It also keeps doctors and pharmaceutical companies from getting rich. I like getting rich. I have plans to subject Canada to my will. A pity you won't be around to see them take shape.
2) You're supposed to take the wax wrapper off of the cheese before you eat it, you twit.
3) As fat as most of the 'common folk' are, its possible to sweat doing nothing at all. Also, sugars, and carbohydrates in general, speed metabolism and give a burst of energy. If this energy isn't used for something productive, like say conspiring or scheming, it is turned by what's left of your liver into fats for storage. This process will cause you to secrete waste, including urea, also known as sweat. And here you claim Kryptonian science is superior.
Next Question. |
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| Question #3 |
[Apr. 22nd, 2004|05:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Still Magic Carpet Ride - Still Steppenwolf | ] |
This from someone in an ugly shirt with a silly name:
Dear Lex,
The neighbors that live in front of my house have a pair of dogs. When they let the dogs go out in their front yard the dogs start going at each other and one of them beats the other up every single time, making lots of whining dog noises and annoying the hell out of me. They always come out, but it happens every single day.
Should I go talk to my neighbors about this? Shoot one of the dogs? What should I do?
The Doggiesher.
Again, I must question why you have let this go on so long? Obviously, it is good that I've started answering these questions. You people seem incapable of taking decisive action when left to your own devices.
Your suggested courses of action are likewise inept. In the first place, in attempting to imagine the type of neighbors who would have fighting dogs in their yard, I can only assume that it must be a couple, likely first cousins, and that their lawn ornamentation consists of gravel and the rusty husk of a burnt out car. Attempting to communicate with them in English will likely be difficult. On the other hand, if their property still has any value left in it at this point, if you cause them to disappear, no one will likely ever miss them. And starving dogs /will/ consume human bones. But this takes time, and the dogs will continue to fight over the carcasses, inevitably.
With the suggestion that you 'shoot one of the dogs', I can only assume that you fit into this neighborhood quite well. Presuming that you live within the city limits (which you very well may not), discharging a firearm will only involve law enforcement, and if you do need to dispatch the neighbors at the end of the day, that will only help you get caught. More importantly, ammunition of a quality that would actually kill the dog costs more than the life of the dog is worth. And if you wound one of them, you'll have to listen to its incessant whining.
No, your course of action is clear. I find myself admiring the dog who is the constant victor. From henceforth you must consider this superior dog to be your dog. While he's clearly at home demonstrating his superiority to his fellow, he doesn't yet have the tenacity to make the kill. You must give your dog that tenacity. To that end, if you have access to his food and water, steal it and dump it in the trash. At least once a day, beat the more powerful dog mercilessly. Not only will this make the dog more vicious, and ready to make the next fight the final one, it will also, interestingly, earn you his loyalty. This strategy also works with other dumb animals, like children.
Within the week, your dog will slay the other one and, if you have any luck at all, turn on its owners to repay them for the way in which they've inconvenienced you. He will likely be gassed, but you will be at peace.
Next question. |
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| Question #2 |
[Apr. 22nd, 2004|05:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  satisfied | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Magic Carpet Ride" - Steppenwolf | ] |
A person who needs to shave asks:
Dear Lex,
My roommate across the hall constantly plays really irritating Christian rock music. What should I do?
Constantly? Yes, this is exhibit A of what I'm talking about. Precisely how long have you let this go on? You simply can't allow others to violate your will this way. Take charge of your reality.
Because, however, your description of this individual has caused me to already develop disdain for him myself, however, I will give you what I rarely give anyone. Options.
At the very least, you must force him to stop this practice. The clearest cut way to do this is to fight fire with napalm. Secure for yourself (by stealing if necessary) the most Satanic record album which you can find. I personally recommend Christian Death's 'Jesus Points the Bone at You'. Choose the track in which the Lord's Prayer is recited in Latin backwards amidst derogatory screaming. Set it on repeat. Turn up your stereo. For best effect, do this at 4 a.m. He will quickly realize that you are willing to take this contest much farther than he and will submit. Then you can dictate terms to your best advantage. I recommend including a share of his care packages.
This is the minimum required by his actions. However, if you truly wish to be like Luthor and earn my admiration, its not nearly enough. No, this man must be destroyed. He must come to regret his birth. A carefully placed rumor or two can destroy lives, making it a simple and efficient tool of vengeance. First, presuming that he is a member of some Christian group or Bible study on campus, approach its leader privately and say that you are concerned about the poor fellow, because you walked in on him looking at pornography on the internet, and he won't admit he's addicted. If there are athletes on your dorm floor, inform them, albeit reticently, that it was gay porn. Do this while they're inebriated. Tell any girl on campus, and it will spread quickly through the female population.
Within a month or two, he'll be ready to drop out of school. For maximum satisfaction, stop by his room while he's packing and tell him what you did, and that it was all you, all along. Tell him it was because his music annoyed you that you have crushed him.
I then recommend a Robert Mondavi Cabernet Sauvignon '94 and a Romeo y Julieta Madura Primo with which to savor your victory. Next question. |
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| Question #1 |
[Apr. 22nd, 2004|04:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Still Geist - Still Beethoven | ] |
This from a girl in pigtails and glasses:
Dear Lex,
My husband and I will be moving in July and the last time we moved we had a lot of trouble moving this sofa that we have and he ended up smashing his hand pretty bad. I think that it may be worth it to hire movers, but he thinks it's a waste of money.
Should we hire movers or try to move everything ourselves?
:
First, you need to ditch the glasses and get contacts. The only time women should wear glasses is as part of a Playboy spread. But, enough with the social niceties.
Your husband, like certain people in tights of my acquaintance, made the common mistake of doing his own dirty work, and paid the price. Brainless heavy lifting gets you nowhere. On the other hand, I admire his sense of frugality.
If you have any intelligence at all, you've carefully cultivated a network of individuals who owe you favors. Or hangers-on who admire whatever Luthor-like qualities you may possess. So, my directions are as follows:
1) Suggest a 'going away' pizza party on the day that you plan to move.
2) Tell your sad tale of couch-moving injury at said party, with the couch there.
3) Allow grunting morons to move the couch for you.
4) Ask everyone to 'chip in a few dollars' for the food, and make sure it more than covers your outlay.
You will thus make money, not have to move your couch, and eat for free. Next question. |
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| POST YOUR QUESTIONS HERE! |
[Apr. 22nd, 2004|04:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  predatory | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Geist - Beethoven | ] |
Many of you are weak-willed and otherwise generally spineless. You have trouble making decisions. Or you aren't willing to do what it takes to succeed in this world. You need guidance if you want to get anywhere.
Lex Luthor is the smartest man in the world. Smarter than you. Better looking, too. This is the place to come to admit your inferiority, and ask Lex for guidance.
Keep in mind, Lex doesn't give advice or input. He tells you. And you'd better do it. Or God have mercy on you. Because Lex won't. |
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